The mathmatic equation of where I end, and You begin.

Ive been praying about my life a lot lately, just kind of mainly for myself, as selfish as that sounds, but just to get my life in order and for God to help mold me into the person who I should be right now.

Because when I look in the mirror, the thing I see is a complacent and disgraceful, burden, not at all who I should be. I was disgusted in myself every day, pitying myself, hating myself. I started seeing myself as a burden to everyone, so I started to pray about it. God showed me some stuff through my small group and Chi Alpha, but I felt I was still wasting time, confessing the same sins day after day, while praying for my actions and will, and just playing the game. I was getting nothing accomplished. I was dead weight dragging people along with myself down.

After manning up and realizing, by thanks of a vision, that I also needed to work on myself and not just expect God to do everything for me. (God kinda kicked me in the boys, and slapped me around a bit one night through prayer and sleep.) Cleaning up my act, straightening things out with me and the Big Guy, a few cry sessions with some guys and my girlfriend, and more prayer, helped give my heart a little kick start, and started the embers of the flame that will soon come.

I believe that we all are where we are for a reason, and we need to stop, remember that and rejoice in it every once in a while. Just think God has you in the place you are now with who you are with for a reason, all part of a greater plan. Enjoy those small things.

I found work to be more tolerable, and as a lesson of gratitude, pride, and patience. It was a place of evil. Almost everyone worshiped backstabbing, greed, and lies. I on the other hand stopped participating in it and just did my own thing, stopped stealing sales, and backstabbing, and just listened to God. I got a lot less sales and had to sign a paper saying if I didn't start raising my sales within 30 days I could be fired. Roller coaster time.

I flipped. I stopped listening to God because I didn't want to lose my job. I mean, I just stopped doing all this stuff just to get fired? So i started to take things into my own hands and fell to the claws of the lies and my past of failures to the point of rebuke, and I went running right back to God, I guess He knew what he was doing all along. So I obeyed.
(That day was terrifying, and I will post it in a later blog.)

A month passed and my sales still sucked. But I was to the point of apathy with it all anyways because I knew I was going to be fired. I wasn't worried about it too much, just kind of wanting to know what He had planned at this point.

And I got fired. It sucked. Failure to meet sales quota. Oh well, the backstabbing just wasn't for me anyways. This is the part where I had to trust God the most. So after I got fired, I went home a prayed for a while. And I was okay with everything. No worries. Hakuna matata. :)

So I have this calming feeling over me the rest of the day, talked to my friend and he helped me get an interview at Babin's. The first thing he says is, this isn't an easy job, it takes a lot of DISCIPLINE. That word rang in my head along with "You're ready." The interview goes well and within less than 2 days, I had a new job. I know it's going to be hard to deal with the discipline, but I have to remember that's what I need to be who I'm intended to be. Its tough work but I'm thankful for it, and excited to see what will come of it.

New challenges and tests are happening now, and I feel so undeserving of all of this. This job, my friends, my car, my girlfriend, my whole life. I let my fear of screwing up pull me under. I need to remember that his is the end of myself and the start of Him and through it, it will be rough but it will all be worth it, and what happens will better us all for His glory.